March 25, 2004
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Angst on the planks, spittin' from a bridge
Just to see how far down it really is
Robbin' a bank, jumpin' on a train
Old antiques a man alone can entertain
It takes all your power to prove that you don't care
I'm not Cordelia, I'll not be there
I'll not be there, I'll not be there
Tin can man, draggin' from a car
Just to see how alive you really are
Marryin' words, fallin' in your wake
Just to prove what you can't eliminate
It takes all your power to prove that you don't care
I'm not Cordelia, I'll not be there
Treadin' the boards, screamin' out Macbeth
Just to see how much bad luck you really get
Jump in the ring with your hidden cape
The bull can't decide what it is that he really hates
It takes all your power to prove that you don't care
I'm not Cordelia, I'll not be there
I'll not be there, I'll not be there
Angst on the planks, spittin' from a bridge
Just to see how far down it really is
Robbin' a bank, jumpin' on a train
Old antiques a man alone can entertain
It takes all your power to prove that you don't care
I'm not Cordelia, I'll not be there
I'll not be there, I'll not be there
Thief lingers on, on his hands and knees
Must be one more thing here he really needs
Dyin' in your dreams, fallin' on your knife
A thief blinded on the job has to steal for life
It takes all your power to prove that you don't care
I'm not Cordelia, I'll not be there
I'll not be there
I'll not be there, I'll not be there
**********
Well, I was going to inscribe a greatwallofchina entry on to-day's trip and how much I heart New York City. However, things change, sometimes right when you're in the throes of a blissful working environment.
NYC entry will have to wait till tomorrow. For there I was, cleaning up after the return to UNH, when I saw the garage door undulate open to import one sight I wished I would never have to see again.
Jenny. Waiting at the door of the bus for me to dip the mop in the bucket again.
When I couldn't stave it off any longer, I went up to dip, and asked her what was up. "One question," she replied quietly. "Do you hate me?"
Greatwallofchina pause.
"I wish I could answer that tactfully."
"Don't worry about being tactful."
Oh, Jenny, if only you knew how much I hate your self-centered guts for all the hurting you've caused. How sorely I have wanted to inflict physical pain on you equal to the emotional pain you've inflicted on me. What the hell do you think I'm going to say, that I want to throw myself at you, bursting with newfound affection and endearment, opening myself up to more cardial destruction?
And how I wished I had the heart to say that out loud.
"Well, I don't think you can imagine just how much I've been hurting these last several months. I don't know how to feel. Hate is not a Christian emotion, and I have tried so very hard to let go of it for that reason, but there's just too much bitterness. So the hatred has simply given way to indifference."
And it's because I'm trying to be decent, a damn sight more decent than you ever were, that I'm not telling you how I really, really feel. I don't give a shit what you thought, I loved you, I did. All you gave back was grief.
Oh, did I have a carrierlong list of grievances that I wanted to spew at her, if only I could have come up with the words then and there.
"I think it would be best if we just do not associate from now on." That we don't try to pretend we're still friends when it took you all of fifteen seconds to blow that off, then keep me thrashing about in your false friendship like some kind of lavalorn flounder. "That we just leave each other alone."
"Well, I can understand how you feel."
"Do you?"
"Yeah. Because I had this huge crush on this kid for ten years of my life, and then one day he just came out and told me he liked another girl. My whole life fell apart."
So you decided that you couldn't rest until you did the same thing to somebody else, is that it?
"Then I guess we understand each other."
"Yes. We do."
And away she walked.
Don't even look back.
And why, pray tell, did you wait until now to let me in on this? You know how hard it is for me to believe that when you've withheld it all this time? But it doesn't matter. Our so-called friendship is forsaken. You know where I stand, now you can just stay the hell away from me.
Keith and I had a good long talk about it later. That man is a great listener, thank heavens. Doesn't miss a trick - we discussed this at great length, and neither of us could fathom what she perceived as wrong with my first and only attempt at courtship. I had to consider his point: does she really, truly care how I feel, or is she just concerned about how she'll look to the rest of the gang now?
I sure wish he'd asked. I don't know what stopped him.
Jenny, if you're reading this, and I have very little doubt that you are, there's everything that was said and everything that could have been said, if only I could have thought of the words on the spot. But we seem to have an accord: it's over. You enjoy Jim's company, and I will remain alone for the rest of my days. But don't worry, I've learned to live with it. And don't come crying to me if he ever jumps the fence into a greener pasture.
Well, gang, leave some love. Some thoughts, dreams, wishes, hopes - all I ask of you, something to help take my mind off of this. Off of her. For good.
Comments (4)
"I will remain alone for the rest of my days"?
I doubt that.
Want a cliche piece of advice? Time heals all wounds. It really does. ...So does prayer, come to think of it, so I'll be praying for you, too.
I sound like some sort of advice column now. Yuck. But just remember I'm rooting for you, so to speak. Kay?
*hugs*
Really, this is for the best. I refer to the post above, and I add this: You are now free to find a better situation. As a Christian, you will find that that is always hope, and when you leave the situation to God, amazing things come to pass. Those things may happen today or tommorrow, but they will happen. Take it from an old lady.
Cheers, m'friend. I'll be thinking of you.
I know that I have not been here in a while and I am very sorry for that. I hope that you are doing very well. You sound upset. I hope that all is going well. Come stop by the Duel and say hello!!! Miss you much!
"I will remain alone for the rest of my days"
I agree with the first comment posted up there. There's no need to be so pessimistic. Perhaps the wound will never completely heal. But then again, maybe it will. Regardless, you're not doomed to be alone forever unless that's what you choose. Maybe that's what you choose now, but I hope someday you change your mind.
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